Monthly Frustrations

Good news comes with worrying…

It happened!  I am 5 weeks pregnant now!!!

Never thought it would happen so quickly — only 1 cycle after my surgery.  I’m pretty much over the moon about it, but…

Of course I find out the statistics for M/C in the first trimester… it’s like 15 to 20 percent.  =( =( =(

So now, I so want this to happen that I’m worried it will just not take.  And the problems will begin all over again.  I don’t want to have more fertility drama.  I just want a stinking baby.  But there really isn’t anything I can do but wait and see what happens… 

2

=(

itsaluvthing:

wow that stings :’(

(Source: itsalovethingalways)

100

Well Holy Polyps, Batman!

I’ve been too frustrated as of late to update my story here.  But today I have good news!

I had a second surgery and we took out a HUGE polyp!  It was like the size of a KFC biscuit.

Long story short, the damned thing was so big and hanging out so close to the ol’ cervix that the Dr wasn’t able to differentiate it from the rest of the normal uterine lining the first time he went in.  Grossly enough, the big thing was only discovered after while doing weight lifting exercise, I managed to push it out part-way through my cervix and into the vag.  Yeah, gross.  And then I had to walk around for a month knowing that I had this damned biscuit practically dangling from my hooter.

It’s probably psychosomatic, but I swear I felt better in my guts since leaving the hospital yesterday.  Best of all, I’m not constantly a drip factory down there anymore!  A huge thank-the-Lord after having to annoyingly wear pads every day for going on two months.

Above all, even if my periods are still rough, if this means we can have a baby, then it’s all been worth it.  I guess having the infertility question dangling over one’s head can really clear up any ambivalence about wanting children.  

24

Hallelujah, a reprieve!

Stupid hospital nurse!  

I talked to my OB’s nurse today and there was NO indication of endometriosis!  WOO!  I guess that doesn’t mean that I could still have it underneath everything, but I don’t have any solid evidence of that.  I also apparently had 2 polyps taken out.  Here’s hoping for smoother periods!

=D =D =D

13

Well Shit.

Endometrosis.  FML.

Don’t get to talk to my OB about what he saw until my follow-up appointment.

Oh, and as a side note, the gas that they pump into the ol’ uterus travels up the body cavity and causes all sorts of funny pains in the shoulders and diaphragm.  Just in case someone else has some weird shoulder pain post-op like me and wants to freak out.  It feels like gas pains, so I looked it up, lo and behold, it’s a common side effect.  Weird.

Well, here’s to waiting again.  =(

Gettin’ Cut Up

Whelp, my hysteroscopy is on Thursday this week.  I was about to say something like, “gettin’ serious about all this baby stuff”, but I got serious about it months ago.  And now I’m serious enough to let my OB/GYN stick a camera and a cautery unit up my no-no parts while I’m under general anesthesia.  I’d say that’s good and serious.

Oh how I hope this ends the CARNAGE that comes with my period every month… or at the very least make it look like I only murdered one person every time I take a pee during my period.  Checking if you’ve soaked a pad every 2 hours is pretty lame too.  But really, most of all, I hope that this stops getting in the way of making a baby.  That’s my secret I don’t tell most people.  It is important to me, regardless of my misgivings, it’s irrationally important to me right now, and until all doors are closed to it, it will remain important.

Granted, I’ve been around some friends’ kids the past few weeks who have been awful enough to make me want my tubes tied… lol.  Just for a minute though.

Wish me luck.  I’m not really nervous yet, but I’m sure this time tomorrow I’ll be driving my poor husband absolutely nuts with my fretting.  Wish him luck (or at least patience) too!

1

Here we go

Well just got the ball rolling for my hysteroscopy. Hope getting the little bastard that is hanging out in my mucosal later taken out helps us get a baby going… Or at very least makes my periods less like mass carnage. Will keep updating any he developments!

4

Must remind…

Just because it’s close to the end of the cycle does not mean it’s time to get my hopes up!  No tests unless ol’ Flo is a week late.  At least.

Again, all easier said than done.  Must not anticipate….

Roundup

As it stands right now, husband and I have been ‘officially’ trying to conceive since August… which makes it almost six months of meaningful, day-counting, lots-of-sex trying.  I guess that’s not really that bad when I think about it.  However, I’ve been off B/Cs almost a year now (end of March 2010) and in my mind, oftentimes, it’s more like a year of trying with no go, and thus the anxiety.  I had assumed I’d be like my mom, who seemed to have babies happen even when she had no intention of baby making (or in the case of my sister, have a baffling case of ‘i have no idea where you came from because I didn’t have any sex around the time you were made…’)  Unfortunately, even though I usually favor my mom, I am completely in the genetic line of the ladies on my dad’s side.  Aunt had fibroids, gramma had fibroids… I’m going to hazard a guess that even ol’ Ba-ban had fibroids. 

I actually had an interesting conversation with my gramma the other day — I decided to tell her about my diagnosis, since I know that she had fibroids (and a hysterectomy because of them).  She then proceeded to describe my unhappy period symptoms almost like I had told her about them already — she struggled with them for her childbearing years.  Cruddy cramps.  Excessive flow.  Spotting for almost a week afterwards.  I suppose I should take it as encouragement that gramma (obviously) had children, though she had my dad and aunt when she was younger than I am now.  However, the big surprise came when she told me that during her hysterectomy they found that she had endometriosis all over her insides that they subsequently had to scrape out along with the ol’ uterus.  Great, now I have to worry about that too.

In other news, I think (?) I may have ovulated this month.  I have just had this sinking feeling that perhaps I am not even ovulaing at all (no real reason… just doom doom doom thoughts)  I was beginning to curse myself for being right when day 14 passed with no LH surge on my peesticks (boy am I good a peeing in a cup now!), but around day 16 I had what appeared to be a positive test.  Now, I say this because the ‘test’ portion of the strip was worlds darker than anything I’d produced prior, but after I got over my excitement my normal sense of doubt returned, and I scrutinized the test and worried that the line, though darker than before, was just a hair lighter than the control strip, for which a positive test was instructed to be as dark or darker than.  Did that mean no real LH surge? Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough sense to re-test until a few hours later and that one turned out lighter than the earlier test, but darker than my hands-down negative ones.  Are LH surges so short?  Did I merely catch the tail-end?  Ugh.

And after scouring the internet I could find NOTHING to help me with my ‘iffy’ result.  So I’m left with this whole “I might have ovulated” thing going on instead of some real solid evidence to help my mind rest one way or the other.

I guess I could go on and on… I haven’t had 2 cycles resemble each other since I went off BCs.  This is still endeavoring to be one of the most frustrating parts of my life so far, and the longer it drags on I lose a little of my want for children.

12

It hurts when I see my friends getting pregnant left and right.  There’s something visceral and animal about this reaction, but also something closer to the surface that’s more akin to that feeling that you’re not keeping up with your peers.

I don’t want to feel like that, but there’s not much to be done. Feelings are just that.